I play chess on the internet and have beaten many titled master level players, from FIDE Masters (FMs), to International Masters (IMs), to International Grandmasters (GMs). Under normal circumstances I wouldn't be allowed in the same room as these guys and would never be able to beat a grandmaster. So how do I do it?

• Where? I play chess at very fast time limits at online server sites (e.g. the Internet Chess Club, Playchess). You have to pay a membership fee at sites frequented by chess grandmasters. Play on a slow free site like Yahoo and you'll never play or beat a GM.
• How? You won't beat a grandmaster at normal time limits, and anyway they won't play you. So play either at bullet time limits (I prefer 1/0, i.e. 1 minute each for the whole game), or blitz time limits (here I prefer 3/0, i.e. 3 minutes each for the whole game).
• Challenge! Get a rating high enough to challenge good players. On the Internet Chess Club my rating has never gone above 2100 at bullet or 2300 at blitz, so I'm not especially good. I generally play titled players when I'm over 2000 at bullet or 2100 at blitz.
• Speed. In order to get a good rating you'll need to be quick. Many players are bad at chess, but good at clicking. If you want to beat a GM, then get faster at clicking.
• Don't drink or take drugs. Not just advice for driving, but for quick chess. Your level of play (and rate of play) will drop dramatically with drink or drugs! Having had the odd beer or five online I speak from experience!
• A win is a win. So your opponent had 3 queens and a rook and you had a king. So what, you won, you beat the GM. It's not real world chess!
• Play dirty. Make short moves, give pieces away with check. It'll make your opponents clock tick and you're a second closer to winning.
• Turn on "smartmove ?. This means that if you have an only move to make, it's done almost automatically when you click the piece! But also be wary - it can be also backfire!
• Know your openings. I am an expert in certain lines, and can match anyone, others I'm a patzer in. I suggest you do the same. And don't play the morra gambit against me, it just loses a pawn!
• Don't get obsessive and play for hours at a time. You'll get RSI and a barrow load of guilt.
• Ratings. Like the stock market your rating can go down as well as up. You can easily pick up 200 rating points if you have a good hour online.
• Play more. Always ask for a rematch against a titled player. You never know you might win one. So play till s/he gives up. You might never play another GM for months or years! And be gracious in defeat or keep your mouth shut!
• Game-scores. Log your games on your favourite chess server, so that you can review them later. You want hard evidence for yourself that you've beaten a good player.
• Fun and Reality Check. Lastly, enjoy beating titled players! It makes the heart beat faster and your head grow bigger. But it won't necessarily make you a better player!